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Jill's Place
7 days worth of rants & raves

Saturday, March 20, 2004
I am so fucking tired of feeling bad. Ever since we moved, I've been struggling with a bout of depression the size of the Mississippi. I mean, I like the house fine, I know it's the right thing to do for Lauren, and I never expected to like it here. Good thing, that last bit, 'cause I don't. I've been here six months, and I'm counting down to when Lauren will leave for college and we can move back home. But goddamn, I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm to the point now that I'm not sad as much as I am angry. Not at Mark, because we both decided this was the right thing to do for our family, and it is. I'm just . . . mad. I have that mad-at-the-world feeling, which is being taken out on those in my general vicinity. I mean, anyone who's been here before knows that I love Lauren more than air, but she's grating on my last nerve. She's always been a mommy's girl, but damn I could use a break where she wants Daddy all the time. It really hit me hard this evening. We were at my cousin Tracy's little girl's third birthday party this afternoon (Christ on a crutch, there has to be a better way to phrase that). Mark was talking about wanting to do something special for my birthday next month, he hasn't done anything grand for my birthday in years, this is my 35th, etc. Of course, my dad's surgery is the 21st, so I'm not planning to be home much that week, if Dad needs me. But Mark said that maybe he could arrange for me to have dinner or a day out with all my friends. Huh. All. My. Friends. It occurs to me - I can only think of a few friends. I know that only a few people read this blog, and please know that you count among that small group. But friends that I just hang out with, go run around with, go out for drinks with, talk to, a la Sex and the City? I don't have them, and I haven't in years. Maybe I'm just not that kind of chick. Maybe my anti-social tendencies are coming around to bite me in the ass. Maybe I spend too much time online, ha ha ha. But I couldn't think who would even show up if he did try to set something like that up. I can't think that there'd be much that could be sadder than Mark trying to arm-twist people into attending such an event, or the awkwardness that would ensue. There shall be no such occasion, I couldn't stand to feel the pity. I'm ending the oh-poor-me bit now, I'll probably come back and look at this in a few hours or days and laugh. But right now, I'm just pissed at life.
3/20/2004 09:47:00 PM :: ::
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