Jill's Place
7 days worth of rants & raves

Car conversations

Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sometimes, the most intense conversations with my girl take place in the car. This morning, before we left for school, she was digging around in my jewelry box. She found a watch left to me by my Aunt Mill, and asked about it. I explained that Aunt Mill wanted me to have it after she died, and we needed to be very careful with it, but that she was welcome to look at it. She felt it and looked at it and put it back.

Then later, in the car, she seemed a bit upset. She asked me if someone killed the person who left me the watch. I don't know where that came from, but I explained that Aunt Mill had lived a long, mostly happy life, and had died because she was so old.

A few minutes later, she got even more upset. This was odd, because she doesn't really remember Aunt Mill, which is sad to me. I talked to her a bit, and she said that it reminded her that Jetter had died (aka Jet, our much-loved cat who died in December). Then she asked me if I was going to die, or Daddy.

I'm thinking, "Crap. I really need more coffee for this kind of conversation early in the morning."

But it gets better. She asked me if Jetter and Aunt Mill were with God, because that's what happens to you when you die. And I quote: "For reals." Because then, when I die, I could be with them again. Which is a tempting thought, but I didn't really want to sell that to her. And I really don't know where that one came from either, because she didn't get that from us.

Honestly, now I'm thinking double espresso more than coffee. Or perhaps tequila shooters.

See, in our house, there's not a lot of talk about God or heaven or religion, being the heathens that we are. Mark and I haven't much talked about how to deal with these issues with Lauren and Sam later, but I wanted to be honest with her about my own feelings without crushing her little soul for the day or sending her directly into therapy. I punted with some talk about that's what some people believe, and some people believe in reincarnation, and some people believe this life is all we get and we should make the most of it. I was utterly unprepared for this depth of conversation, shall we say.

Plus, you know, she's 5. Tough topics have to be addressed directly and honestly, but at her level. You try it. Go on, just think about what you'd say to explain death, heaven, and religion to a 5 year old.

I kind of think that the concept of heaven and all that is a nice comfort when you lose someone you love, if you believe it's true. I'm not sure what I believe, but I'm thinking I need to figure that out right quick, considering the questions that are coming up now. I lean toward the third option of this is all we get, so have fun and do good, but really, who wants to find out for themselves? Not me, not anytime soon.

Damn, this parenting stuff is hard.

Speaking of people you love and loss (nice segue, don't you think?). I'm having a bit of a time dealing with something else, and really, what the hell are blogs for except to purge your thoughts in semi-public? Take a deep breath and sit down if you know some of my particular history. Especially if you know Scotty.

My ex has been diagnosed with cancer. Prognosis is up in the air at the moment - he has another doctor's appointment with a cardiothoracic surgeon tomorrow. He was having shortness of breath and pain in his ribs, and they found that his right lung was compressed. They drained 3 liters of fluid from the pleural area, which is between your lungs and rib cage, and found malignant cells. But they haven't been able to locate any tumors, just some small spots in the pleural wall. The surgeon is supposed to tell him whether any surgery could be helpful, and then probably chemo will start pretty soon.

My ex is a very dear friend, even though we haven't seen much of him in the last few years. He turns 40 tomorrow. Or, as he would say, 39 +1. His spirits are pretty good, all things considered. He's varying between fighting spirit and fatalism. I prefer the former. Cross your fingers, send some mojo, pray if that's your thing, would you please? Thanks.
4/25/2006 10:18:00 PM :: ::
  • .
    We work like a horse.
    We eat like a pig.
    We like to play chicken.
    You can get someone's goat.
    We can be as slippery as a snake.
    We get dog tired.
    We can be as quiet as a mouse.
    We can be as quick as a cat.
    Some of us are as strong as an ox.
    People try to buffalo others.
    Some are as ugly as a toad.
    We can be as gentle as a lamb.
    Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
    Some of us drink like a fish.
    We can be as proud as a peacock.
    A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
    You can get a frog in your throat.
    We can be a lone wolf.
    But I'm having a whale of a time!

    You have a riveting web log
    and undoubtedly must have
    atypical & quiescent potential
    for your intended readership.
    May I suggest that you do
    everything in your power to
    honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
    Designer/Architect as well
    as your revering audience.
    As soon as we acknowledge
    this Supreme Designer/Architect,
    Who has erected the beauteous
    fabric of the universe, our minds
    must necessarily be ravished with
    wonder at this infinate goodness,
    wisdom and power.

    Please remember to never
    restrict anyone's opportunities
    for ascertaining uninterrupted
    existence for their quintessence.

    There is a time for everything,
    a season for every activity
    under heaven. A time to be
    born and a time to die. A
    time to plant and a time to
    harvest. A time to kill and
    a time to heal. A time to
    tear down and a time to
    rebuild. A time to cry and
    a time to laugh. A time to
    grieve and a time to dance.
    A time to scatter stones
    and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a
    time to turn away. A time to
    search and a time to lose.
    A time to keep and a time to
    throw away. A time to tear
    and a time to mend. A time
    to be quiet and a time to
    speak up. A time to love
    and a time to hate. A time
    for war and a time for peace.

    Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
    Dr. Whoami

    P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
    that the common culture of my youth
    is gone for good. It was hollowed out
    by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
    then splintered beyond hope of repair
    by the emergence of the web-based
    technologies that so maximized and
    facilitated cultural choice as to make
    the broad-based offerings of the old
    mass media look bland and unchallenging
    by comparison."

    By Blogger whoami123, at 4/25/2006 10:21:00 PM  
  • That's . . . ummm . . . interesting.

    The web is weird, is it not?

    By Blogger Jill, at 4/25/2006 10:26:00 PM  
  • Um...okay...well.
    I don't know if they're prayers or thoughts or wishes, but I'll send some in your ex husband's direction.

    By Blogger Lori-Lyn, at 4/26/2006 08:54:00 AM  
  • I'm not lion; Sloth has overcome me and I can't bear metaphysical discussions, like I did in my wild hare days.

    I think with the children, you show the love, and you leave all the doors open. And you talk with the children as you will about everything that's alive for them. If the Supreme Designer appears to them or appeals to them, you show them the love, and you leave the doors open.

    As long as the love is there and the doors are open, it's never to late.

    Sometimes I am pleased by gazing into the old Indian woman's cosmology when she says "It's turtles, just turtles, all the way down! UM

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4/26/2006 06:02:00 PM  
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